Captain Corn and His Trusty Side-Kick, DNA-Boy (2000)

Chapter 1

One day in the city of Motripelos, Clerk Kant was leaning against a wall, writing his newest story for the Daily Peanut, Motripelos' most popular newspaper. But Clerk was no ordinary news reporter. He was a genetically engineered ear of corn in a cheap disguise of glasses, a hat, and a nice suit. His story, about the poor quality of parking meters, was merely for looks. In actuality, he was waiting for a call for help.
Finally, one came. Clerk ran into the street, put traffic cones around a sewer grate, pulled it up and jumped in. He tried to yank his dress shirt open to expose his green spandex suit with a big orange "C," (for Captain Corn) but the buttons were sewn on well. Unbuttoning it quickly, he finished changing. He jumped out of the grate, put the grate back over the hole, and flashed a heroic smile into the sky, arms akimbo.
"You have the right to remain silent." said a police officer, cuffing him quickly, and shoving him against the car.
"But what did I do?" asked Captain Corn, his heroic smile fading.
"There's a law in Motripelos banning disguised corn from jumping into the sewer." said the officer. "Health code regulation."
A week later, after he had been released from prison, he rushed to answer the cry for help. He ran the block to the bus station as fast as he could, holding his side. Why didn't he fly? Duh. He's a corncob. Corncobs can't fly.
Once the bus had arrived, he got on and paid his 90 cents. "Onward, bus driver!" he cried, pointing in the direction of the cry for help. "Hey!" he yelled as the driver turned onto another street. The bus driver rolled his eyes.
Captain Corn stood grinning, in his super-hero stance the whole way. "Stronger than a dead opossum! Faster than a speeding golf-cart!" announced some guy in the back with a microphone.
Captain Corn finally reached his destination, and looked around for a glimpse of some guy with a ski-mask mugging an old lady, or a man holding a gun and several bags with big "$" marks all over them, but all he found was gravel. "Help!" he heard. It seemed to be coming from the ground. He turned on his microscopic vision, and saw nothing. "Help!" the voice yelled. He took out his Microscopic-Vision-Enhancement-Kit, and found the victim instantly. It was a little virus.
"Hello there, little boy. What's the matter?" Captain Corn questioned charismatically.
"I'm not a boy. I'm asexual." said the virus.
"What do you need?" asked Captain Corn, ignoring the comment.
"Well, someone stepped on me, but it didn't really hurt." said the virus.
If it makes you feel better, you can be my side-kick." said Captain Corn, helpfully.
"Why would I want to be your side-kick?" spat the virus rudely.
"I'll pay you $15 an hour." said Captain Corn.
"I guess."
"Okay. Your new name will be, uhhhh, DNA-Boy."
"That's stupid."
"I'll make it $20."
"Okay." said the virus.

Chapter 2


About a month later, Captain Corn in his Clerk Kant disguise and DNA-Boy in his "I'm a flesh eating virus" disguise, were walking down the street. Captain Corn leaned over and pretended to inspect a curb and write critical remarks on a notepad about its danger to crossing millipedes. In actuality, the pair were spying on Dr. Reallybad, who was sitting on a bench in the park. He was making something.
"Stop fiend!" Captain Corn yelled, leaping from behind a tree. "It is I, Captain Corn, and my trusty side-kick, DNA-Boy!"
"Where?" asked Dr. Reallybad.
"Let's see... where did I put him...."
"Aha!" shouted Dr. Reallybad as he pulled out a weird gun. "This is a gripphonite radiation gun. If I give you one good blast with this, then your genes will be altered, and you will no longer be immune to Mr. Wrigglesberth, my pet bacterium! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
"You wouldn't!"
"I would!"
"You wouldn't!"
"I would!"
"You wouldn't!"
"I would!"
"You wouldn't!"
"I would!"
"You wouldn't!"
"I would!"
"You wouldn't!"
A blue blast shot from the barrel. "I did!" yelled Dr. Reallybad.
"Aaauuuggghhh!" Captain Corn fell to the earth. Mr. Wrigglesberth had gotten into him and was beginning to eat him.
"Yum!" said DNA-Boy.
"Hey! I thought you were my trusty side-kick! I'm paying you $20 an hour!" yelled Captain Corn.
"What am I gonna do with $20?"
All of a sudden, some guy jumped out from a tree, and shot Captain Corn with an Anti-"Gripphonite radiation gun" gun. Both the virus and the bacterium shot out of Captain Corn's nose, shaking their pseudo-fists at him.
"Who was that?" said Corn-Man.
"The Crop Avenger!" (whip noise and Hispanic music) Then Captain Corn saw him ride into the wild blue yonder, and the Crop Avenger was never seen again.

The End