The Attack of the Unusually Purple Ornamental Wax Eggplants (1998)

With special guest appearance by Kathie Lee

Once upon a time, off of the coast of a quaint little town named Upowe, there was a quaint little island. On the quaint little island there was a quaint little laboratory with some not-so-quaint little scientists. They had moved there because they were nuclear physicists, and they were extremely, let's say "unique." Anyway, they moved there and thought for a long time about what to do with themselves and their new quaint little laboratory.
One day, George, who was normally known as Jackie Chan, thought of something.
"I have a quaint little idea!" thought Jackie Chan. "Why don't we use the quaint little letters in the quaint little name of the quaint little town on the shore to make a quaint little acronym for our quaint little laboratory?"
"Great quaint little idea, Jackie!" said Bob, normally known as Richard Simmons.
"But what quaint little acronym should it be?" said Steve, who was normally known as David Letterman.
"How about the Unusually Purple Ornate Wax Eggplant Research Agency?" suggested Frank, normally known as Colonel Sanders.
"Yeah!" yelled Richard Simmons. "We can just pretend that the U.P.O.W.E. is for the quaint little town on the shore, and when we tell people about it, we'll just call it the Upowe R.A.!"
Anyway, about a week later the not-so-quaint little scientists in their quaint little laboratory on their quaint little island near the quaint little town of Upowe were working their quaint little tails off. The crackle of welders, the sawing of saws and the unwrapping of rolls of duct tape could be heard all the way to the quaint little town.
"Ow! I just cut my quaint little thumb!" screamed David Letterman.
"Help! I just duct taped my quaint little arm to the wall!" exclaimed Colonel Sanders.
"Cool! I just welded my quaint little helmet to my quaint little head!" laughed Richard Simmons.
After a couple weeks, the four nuclear physicists were finished (getting the helmet off of Richard Simmons' head set them back a week).
"Eureka!" shouted Jackie Chan.
"Vacuum cleaner!" said David Letterman.
They grinned at their new invention, which looked more like a ball of duct tape than an invention.
After another week went by, they finally decided to get Colonel Sanders off of the wall. They also called up a bigshot ornamental eggplant salesman.
"Hey yooooou!" mooed the salesman. The scientists weren't sure whether he was really a salesman, or just a cow in disguise.
"Hey yooooou!" Jackie Chan mooed back. "We want some ornamental eggplants. And could you make them unusually purple?"
"Suuuure. I'll go get them. What shaaaade of purple?"
Colonel Sanders rolled his eyes. "Unusually purple. Are you deaf or something?"
"I prefer to be called 'hearing-impaired,' even though I'm not." mooed the cowish salesman.
So, the sales-cow went back to Upowe, and bought some quaint little black market hand grenades, and imbedded them in the unusually purple ornamental eggplants.
A week later, the four scientists called up their friend.
"Lovin' you means so much more. More than anything I ever felt before." blurted Jake, normally known as Britney Spears.
"You drive me crazy!" yelled Richard Simmons.
"I just can't sleep. I'm so excited, I'm in too deep!" said Britney Spears.
"Hey, Britney," Jackie Chan butted in. Are you ever going to speak something that isn't from a Britney Spears song?"
"But, it feels all right!" quoted Britney Spears.
"Every day and every night?" asked Jackie Chan.
"Yeah-heeeeeaaaaah-yeah," said Britney Spears.
"Okay, shut up," groaned David Letterman.
So they finally arranged for Britney Spears to come over to their laboratory.
A week or two later, after they actually did get Colonel Sanders off of the wall, Britney Spears finally showed up. They were finally ready to activate their invention.
After giving Britney Spears enough anesthesia to tip a moose, Jackie Chan, Colonel Sanders, David Letterman, and Richard Simmons discussed their plan.
"Okay, we're ready to transfer Britney Spears' intelligence to one of the eggplants." commented David Letterman.
"How will we know if it worked?" queried Jackie Chan.
"Good point. We'll just hope there's enough to transfer to be able to tell." answered David Letterman.
"Is this whole thing safe?" asked Richard Simmons.
"Why do you think we knocked Britney out before talking about it?" Colonel Sanders pointed out.
David Letterman walked behind the ball of duct tape and pulled a knob. A lightning bolt came out of Britney Spears' head, and entered the ball of duct tape. From there, another bolt shocked the unusually purple ornate wax eggplant with a quaint little black market hand grenade. The eggplant began to dance. The four nuclear physicists were happy that the eggplant had no vocal chords, because they knew exactly what music would be coming from them if it had. As the eggplant danced, it moved toward the edge of the table. Even if Jackie Chan had wanted to (which he didn't), he couldn't have saved the eggplant. As it fell, the quaint little pin of the quaint little black market hand grenade got knocked out. Wax went everywhere.
"Cool!" yelped Richard Simmons, ducking just in time as Britney Spears' brain-waves bounced around the room, finally hitting Britney Spears.
"My turn! My turn!" shouted Colonel Sanders, as he placed another eggplant onto the table, and pulled the invention's knob himself.
Within just a few minutes, everyone was in one of the unusually purple ornate wax eggplants (they got ones without quaint little black market hand grenades), including Britney Spears, who took five tries to restrain himself from dancing off of the table.
"How about we go and annoy people in the quaint little town on the quaint little shore near our quaint little island with the quaint little laboratory?" pantomimed David Letterman.
"Baby, I'm so into you." signed Britney Spears.
"Great idea, David." Richard Simmons motioned back.
So the four scientists and one Britney Spears fanatic left on a raft for the quaint little town near the quaint little island with the quaint little laboratory.
As they went, a storm came up. Since they lived above the arctic circle, the storm was a warm shower. In fact, it was so warm that the wax eggplants began to turn all oozy.
"I'm meltinggg," moaned David Letterman in sign language.
"No you're not," said Colonel Sanders in African sign language.
"How do you know?" challenged Jackie Chan. "You don't have eyes. Everyone knows that living unusually purple wax eggplants don't have eyes. Too bad we didn't get unusually purple ornate wax potatoes."
"That would mess up our quaint little acronym, though." said Richard Simmons in eggplantese.
"True." said Jackie Chan in potatoese.
So, the five quaint little eggplant travelers continued on their quaint little voyage, gargling Danish heavy metal Oscar Mayer commercial songs all the way.
About twenty seconds later, they landed on the shore. David Letterman, with a lot of effort, finally tied their raft to a large boulder.
"D*ng! Why did we have to get such a quaint little big raft? And why couldn't we have ordered the eggplants with opposable thumbs? Have you ever tried to tie a knot without your quaint little thumbs?"
"Oops, I did it again." apologized Britney Spears.
"What?" asked Jackie Chan.
"I played with your heart." explained Britney Spears.
"I don't have a heart. I'm an eggplant," responded Jackie Chan.
"Hit me, baby-" said Britney. Jackie Chan obliged.
"One more time," finished Britney Spears. The second time Jackie Chan granted his wish, Britney's legs popped off.
"Why did you do that? It was pretty funny." asked Richard Simmons.
"It's just so typically me." laughed Jackie Chan. The four eggplants joked and teased their way to Upowe, leaving Britney Spears singing Britney Spears songs in eggplantese on the raft.
"Hey, what can we do to the people of Upowe?" asked Colonel Sanders.
"Let's splatter the town with wax." suggested David Letterman. "Let's plant eggplants in their flower gardens." proposed Richard Simmons.
"Let's put them all in eggplant chinese handcuffs," offered Jackie Chan.
"Those are great ideas, guys, but they're all stupid, insane, complicated, and expensive."
"Why would splattering the town with wax be expensive?" bellowed David Letterman.
"That would work, but the only wax we have is us," contended Colonel Sanders.
"We could blow up Britney," chimed the others in unison.
"No, we might get hit by her brain-waves," disputed Colonel Sanders.
"You mean his brain-waves?" reminded Richard Simmons.
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Anyway, we can't blow up Britney." A sad moan went through the group.
"Anyway, we can't plant eggplants. We don't have any eggplant seeds," debated Colonel Sanders. "We can't make eggplantthrax, because we don't have any polyglycerintrihelioxide."
The glint from a quaint little lead box a foot away caught their quaint little non-existent eyes.
"He - ey, wha - at's tha - at?" belched Jackie Chan.
"Le - et's go - o see - ee." burped Richard Simmons.
"Hmm....'How To Make Your Own Quaint Little Eggplant Chinese Hand-Cuffs Kit.' I wonder what it's for." pondered Colonel Sanders.
"Duuuuuh. It's for learning how to make your own quaint little barf-bags!" roared David Letterman.
"Hey, maybe we can moosh some peas and put them into the barf-bags, and put them on people's porches. That would be funny." hiccuped Jackie Chan.
So they opened their How To Make Your Own Quaint Little Eggplantthrax Kit, and began to make barf-bags. An hour later, their barf-bags were ready.
Around they went, putting barf-bags on people's porches, and in the gas tanks of people's Porsches. They giggled from the nearest bush as women fainted, old men yelled, and Porsche owners cussed their heads off.
On about the fiftieth bag, as they were putting the barf-bag on the porch, a weird guy opened his door, pulled out a flame thrower, and torched them all before they could get away.
After the unusually purple ornate wax blobs had hardened, they waddled back to their raft, and went back to their quaint little laboratory on their quaint little island by the quaint little town of Upowe. After transferring back to their real bodies, the four nuclear physicists decided just to study subatomic structure for now on. Britney Spears went home, bought Britney Spears' new CD, and expanded his vocabulary.

The End
Editor's Note

The original version of The Attack of the Unusually Purple Ornamental Wax Eggplants had a comment on planting bombs in skyscrapers to blow them up, and a "How To Make Your Own Quaint Little Eggplant Bombs Kit." But, due to recent events, this has been changed to its current contents.