The Little Pint Bottle of All Natural, Fresh Squeezed, Artificially-Flavored, Orange Juice From Concentrate (1998)

paper wasted by Andy Lawler

Prologue

This short story is based upon a true story, even though I’m not telling you what parts were true, or how this could in actuality relate to anything real.
This story is about a little bottle whose name is in part an oxy-moron. He comes to life and goes on a daring quest to find a lid, among other things. Don’t ask me why he didn’t just go into the assembly room and take one. I’m just the narrator. It’s not my problem to deal with the little guy’s mistakes.
It was rumored, though, that the reason the bottle had came to life was because the good fairy of fake orange juice, named Gary, had received a wish from Mr. Grinfletto, the owner of the factory. The wish was that one of the little, plastic, one pint bottles of all natural, fresh squeezed, artificially flavored, orange juice from concentrate would come to life, for he badly wanted a friend.
Of course this rumor was probably not true for two reasons. The first reason was that Mr. Grinfletto never even saw the bottle. The second reason was that Mr. Grinfletto was the richest guy in the county and had no lack of friends.
Anyway, the little bottle of fake orange juice came to life. Whether it was the magic of Gary the fake orange juice fairy, or it had gone bad and sprouted legs doesn’t really matter.

Episode 1: The Fan Mail Menace

Once upon a time, in a quiet town in Alaska, when everyone was asleep, a little pint bottle of all natural, fresh squeezed, artificially-flavored, orange juice from concentrate came to life. The first thing the little bottle of fake orange juice wanted to do was bring peace and happiness to everyone. This thought was forgotten very abruptly, for the little bottle of fake orange juice had no lid, and spilled some of his brains on the messy, cluttered counter he was sitting on.
After thinking hard, and occasionally spilling his brains out and having to start over, the little bottle finally figured it out. He probably wouldn’t have, except for the fact that he noticed a little of his brain trickling down his cheek. He puzzled and thought for a long time and finally decided to try to find something to fix his head. He then saw a little three-by-three piece of aluminum foil about four feet in front of him.
He tried to dash over to it, but he tripped on an old, stale sandwich that seemed to be glued to the table and the thought literally escaped his mind. "What was I running over here for?" the little bottle squeaked. His mind left him once again. He then saw the piece of aluminum foil for the second time. He slowly bent over, being cautious not to spill any more of his brain. The little bottle fumbled with the foil for a while, pulled off pieces of lettuce and hamburger bun, and then molded the aluminum foil onto his head to create a crude temporary lid. He then decided to accomplish a far more practical task than bringing world peace. "I’m going to get real orange juice, and a lid too!"
Of course, in the real world, no fake orange juice bottle that has come to life has ever been able to succeed in this goal. This is a fairy tale though, so he stands a pretty good chance.
Anyway, the little bottle was determined to get a lid and some juice, so he devised a plan. He found a paper towel roll, and stapled the first paper towel to the window sill. He kicked the paper towel roll out of the window, and started his descent. After climbing down the paper towels for a while, the little bottle heard the convenient easy-tear perforation begin to rip. The bottle scrambled down the paper towels as fast as he could. Then, he ran out of paper towels! His makeshift ladder had not reached the ground! Finally, the convenient easy-tear perforation ripped, sending him plummeting to the ground!

Episode 2: The Sub Sandwich


After falling one yard, he landed on a rosebush. Two thorns were imbedded into his sides, since all the protection he had was a cheap plastic skin. It didn’t hurt, though, because he had no pain receptors. He got up and dusted himself off. He left the thorns in fearing that if he removed them, he might spill his guts. After he had gotten over his fall he began to walk along the road. As he walked he sang a little song that goes like this: "Oh, I came to life, and ran on the counter, and made a cap, and stapled some paper towels to the window sill, and I climbed down them, and I fell on a rosebush, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah." Obviously, he wasn’t going to become a popular singer.
After walking for a while, he came upon a truck with a large, rusty, corroded vat and a pump in the back. The vat had a sign on it that read, "McDonald’s O.J." The little bottle of fake orange juice mounted the bumper and swung himself onto the tailgate. From there, he inched his way toward the ancient, worn down old vat and its crusty old pump. He then started to talk to it.
"Excuse me, sir. I’d tell you my name, but it’s kind of long. I was wondering if you happened to have any real orange juice you could loan me."
Somehow, the vat spoke back. Whether it was the magic of Gary the Fairy, or there was just an old psycho guy who liked to pretend that the vat was alive hiding behind the vat doesn’t really matter. "Hey, Sonny. Ma naime’s Awld Man Vat. If’n ‘twas som fake ortefachel stuff yer wawnned, ah’d bee heppy ta halp ya, but ah ain’t got nun uv that’n reel stuff. Sarry, fella," sputtered the vat.
"Well, thanks anyway Old Man Vat, sir. I’d better be going," replied the bottle, a little unsure he had heard the vat right.
"Bahh thu whey, wut harpend to yer?," rambled the kooky fossil of a vat.
"Excuse me?," asked the bottle.
"Ahh sard wut harpend? Yoo fahl a mitter onta yon rusboosh?," garbled the nutty old vat.
"No. It was only one yard," corrected the bottle.
"Ooooh. Ma mestik."
"Okay, then. Bye," said the bottle.
"Bahhh, young’n. Yahll cum bek naow, yeh heeaar?"
"What a weird guy," mumbled the bottle.
"Wut uh weert kit," murmured the petrified vat.
Just as the bottle of fake orange juice was going to get off the truck, the tailgate was slammed shut. The wheels of the truck squealed, and the truck shot off. The little bottle was hurled against the tailgate. He was on his way to McDonald’s.

Episode 3: The Rabid Octopus

Four days later, they finally arrived in the McDonald’s parking lot. The bottle didn’t know why it took them so long to get there, and to be frank, it doesn’t really matter.
Well anyway, the poor little bottle had gotten dehydrated because of the hot sun. He shoved open the door to the McDonald’s, and heard a little jingle of bells. He shuffled over to the cash register and asked, "Could I get a complimentary water, please?"
The cashier hit a button and droned, "Do you want fries with tha--," He stopped talking abruptly. He looked around, expecting to see a prankster. Instead, he saw a bottle of fake orange juice with arms and legs. This cashier happened to believe in things in the National Enquirer, so he figured it must be a gangster alien in a bad mood, ready to vaporize anybody he pleased. He screamed. He screamed loud. About everybody in the McDonald’s thought it must be a gunman, and fled as fast as their legs could carry them, leaving spilt Cokes, capsized shakes, and half eaten Big Macs in their wake.. Only one person in the whole place stayed. It was an employee with a name tag that said "Wuck C."
"Could you get me a complimentary water and pour it into my head?," inquired the little bottle.
"Sure thing," assured the guy with the weird name.

Episode 4: The French Fries Fight Back

After Wuck C. filled his head up, the bottle walked outside, and looked for a store from which to get orange juice from. After he had walked for a while, he saw a plane flying overhead. A guy was throwing something out of the plane. A sign was trailing behind. It said "FREE DIAMONDS" in big letters. A big diamond stabbed through his cap and stuck there. He made a big effort to pull it out, finally succeeded, and fixed his lid as well as he could.
After a while, he came by a store with a big sign that said, "Real O.J.!" The little bottle stepped inside. As soon as the owner of the store saw him, he dropped a pitcher of juice, fell on the floor, and started to laugh uncontrollably. Another employee came in to take the owner’s place. "Sorry. We had a living bottle of fake apple juice come in last week, and an almost identical bottle of grape juice five minutes ago."
The bottle politely answered, "One pint of orange juice, please."
The employee typed it into the register. "That’ll be $3,999,997.01."
"I don’t have any money, but I do have this shiny rock," explained the bottle.
The employee took a large magnifying glass out of his pocket. "This is a pretty rock. I say it’s worth $4,000,001.03 3/8. Your change is $4.02 3/8."
"Boy. You sure know how to appraise shiny rocks. When did you learn how to do that?," questioned the bottle.
"I have a Ph.D. in gemstone appraisal. You know. Something I did in my free time in eighth grade," stated the employee. He then pulled out his diploma to prove it.
"Do you know surgery?," asked the little bottle. "I need you to take these thorns out and tape the holes up. I also need you to dump my brains out and put this orange juice in. Then I need you to teach me everything I know, which shouldn’t take too long."
"Actually," the employee replied, "I used to be the best surgeon in the world, but the pay wasn’t very good, so I went into the orange juice business. I’ll do the surgery for $4.02 1/4." Then he showed the bottle some pictures of his remarkable surgeries. He stopped when the bottle almost threw up.
"Okay," moaned the little bottle. "Just no more pictures." Then he wrote a list of the things to teach him.

Episode 5: The Return of the Pickled Frog Holding a Festive Blowtorch

After the surgery, the bottle remembered a different concern -- the hole in his head.
"You wouldn’t happen to have a bottle cap, would you?"
"No, but I found a new element that is non-toxic, flexible, and indestructible. It can be tempered into any color. However, it will cost you a punctured three-by-three piece of aluminum foil."
"Well, okay," decided the bottle. "Could you make a suit with a piece that looks like a bottle cap on top?"
"Of course," agreed the employee.
So the employee made the suit, the owner of the store stopped laughing, and they all lived happily ever after.
The End