Yo Ho Ho and a Merry Christmas! (2003 [revised 2005, 2007])

Sixteen pirates, bad and mean
and one with seven teeth
all sat around on Saint Nick's day
and made a Christmas wreath.

They built it with a ring they took
from off a keg of water
and since they had no Christmas tree,
they caught and stuffed an otter.

The otter, it was mighty fine
although it wasn't green,
and in a wink those buccaneers
were making quite a scene.

They scrounged for pretty ornaments
and next thing that ya knew,
that Christmas wreath was quickly made
with jewelry from the crew.

The first mate's diamond earrings and
the bosun's golden hook,
a necklace with the neck attached,
a ladle from the cook.

Then Captain Gimp gazed on the scene
as though he might be bored,
and with his solitary lung
he very weakly roared:

"Ye blasted bigotries of slop!
Ye pansy pails of slime!
I loves me pretty Christmas wreath.
Let's have a scurrrrvy time!"

They danced the old "Yo Ho, Yo Hey"
and threw up all their beer.
And once they were all passed out cold,
a sleigh came--with reindeer!

Then out jumped old Saint Nick, himself,
and since it was his mission,
he built a chimney and slid down--
You just can't break tradition.

Well, Santa gave each buccaneer
a magic silver tray.
Back up the makeshift flue he flew,
and then he flew away.

So once those swabs had roused themselves
and then thrown up some more,
they noticed sixteen shiny things
lined up against the door.

They each crawled to a silver plate
and with each one, a note.
So every pirate checked the card
and read what Santa wrote:

"These trays, when you're in dire need,"
the neat inscription read,
"will turn into whate'er you wish
to save your pirate head."

Now, have you ever wondered why
in movies it's the norm
for people to fall overboard
in every single storm?

The reason is, I'll tell you why.
All sailors are quite dopey--
They swab and swab and swab the deck,
which makes it very soapy.

Thus came the storm! There was no wind,
there was no raging sea.
They all went over anyway;
the deck was swabbed freshly.

So all the pirates then pulled out
their lucky silver dishes.
Then every sailor wished his wish,
and each received his wishes.

And that's the moral to this tale:
If ever lost at sea,
Wish not for sixteen tons of gold--
wish for a PFD.